I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how this post is going to end up, maybe a ramble or maybe I will actually compose something that makes sense to others? Who knows but I feel the need to write, to get some feelings of my chest as well as some updates. First I will say that we are so thankful for all the support we have had so far! I know a lot of people in the adoption community that have had some bad reactions to their decision to adopt and I can honestly say that we have not had that experience! We are surrounded by such amazing people! I know that we will have opposition for the rest of our lives but with the support system we have, I know we will get through it.
Right now our adoption process has kinda stalled. Yes we are still moving forward and nothing has really changed, it just seems that suddenly we are at a place where we have to wait. We have to wait on a few things before we can keep moving and it kind of feels like our feet are glued to the ground. Like no matter how hard we are trying to make a forward step, we just can't move. Thankfully though I know this is just temporary. I know we will very soon have the funds to send our social worker the check to pay for the home study, the doctor will re-fill out and re-sign our medical forms and Chris' social security card will arrive in the mail (well I hope it will!). But until all these things happen we can't move forward with our home study and this means we must wait. Anyone that knows me well knows I am horrible at waiting, seriously I'm BAD at it! I'm even worse at it if I think that I could be doing something about but can't. The worst part about my impatience is that I start to close up, especially to God. As I pull myself further from God I realize that a lot of the feelings that God has shielded me from are starting to creep back in. This scares me, I don't want to be back in that place. I KNOW what God wants for our family, for our future but slowly I feel like I'm forgetting. The feelings of loneliness and inadequacy have been trying to steal my joy about our future, trying to make me feel like adoption will never be "good enough" for me, that I will never be satisfied until I have a little baby in my tummy again. This saddens me for many different reasons, I WANT to adopt and I don't want anything holding me back from our future children, future as a family and from God and His plan. I want this to be more then just about us and our family! I just wish I wasn't so human! But even as I am writing this I can feel God's loving grace surrounding and reminding me of not only what I want but what HE wants (ha no joke the song that just came on my iPod is "Running to You" by Newsboys).
One of the few things that does help me with waiting is to have a tangible goal. Well of course with adoption there is a tangible goal, but right now the "goal" in my mind is a faceless, nameless child and well that hurts my heart! I want so badly to see his/her face and hear their voice. I'm so tired of say "his/her" so instead we are calling them Z! Yep Z! Why Z? While trying for baby #2 Chris and I were pretty set on girl name and a boy name but for some reason as we have transitioned into the adoption process, I keep coming back to a different boy name, Zachary (Zoe is the same girl name but for a different reason) and finally we decided that we will keep these names when we finally bring Z home. Both have great meanings and I feel are perfect for our child. Zachary comes from Zachariah which means remembered by God. I want our child to know that even though at one time he was an orphan, he was remembered and loved by God. Zoe means life and I want my child (well all children of course) to LIVE a life of love and fulfillment!
Something I keep saying and keeping trying to remind myself of, is that adoption, through God's lead, will ALWAYS happen on God's timeline. Every holdup and stall is for a reason. Our child will come home when God is ready for them to. I can either let it hold me down or I can use this time to prepare for the race ahead of us by praying and drawing closer to God. I choose to run to Z!!
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11